The First Step to Finding Happiness: Decide What It Means to You
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We spend our lives chasing happiness like it’s a finish line we’ll someday cross—once we land the job, get the relationship, buy the house, lose the weight, gain the followers. But here’s the truth most of us avoid because it’s uncomfortable: You can’t chase something you haven’t clearly defined. And for most people, happiness is this hazy, feel-good cloud they expect to arrive someday, without ever asking the question:
“What does happiness actually look like—for me?”
That’s the first step. The most important one. The one we skip.
Because when we skip it, we end up living someone else’s version of happiness. Our parents’ dreams. Our boss’s goals. Instagram’s highlight reel. We’re handed templates of what happiness should be, and we try to squeeze ourselves into them. And when it doesn’t fit, we feel like something’s wrong with us.
But nothing’s wrong with you. What’s off is the definition you’ve been handed.
So let’s fix that.
Happiness is Personal, Not Prescribed
Happiness is not a universal formula. There is no one-size-fits-all equation.
Your version of joy might include quiet mornings with a book and a dog on your lap. Someone else’s might be high-stakes leadership and a wall full of awards. And another’s might be wild travel, new languages, and unfamiliar cities every few weeks.
You don’t have to explain your definition to anyone—but you do have to own it.
The first step in finding happiness is deciding what happiness is for YOU—not what you’ve been told it should be.
Define It Before You Pursue It
Before you jump into building new habits, changing careers, or trying to “be happier,” take a breath and ask yourself these three questions:
When have I felt truly content?
Not just excited or proud or successful. Content. At ease in your own skin. Try to remember the setting, the people, the pace of your life at the time.Whose version of happiness am I living?
Are you chasing someone else’s dreams? Your partner’s vision? Society’s expectations? This question stings—but it’s essential.What does my happiest life look and feel like?
Get specific. Is it slow or fast? Is it full of people or full of peace? Do you want achievement or alignment? Is it full of creative work, deep conversations, physical movement, spiritual connection, or something else entirely?
Write it down. Sketch it out. Journal it. Say it out loud. Whatever you do—make it real.
Here’s What This Looked Like for Me
I used to believe happiness was about hitting Big Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAGs). Build the biggest business. Write the bestselling book. Speak on the biggest stages. Hustle and grind my way to freedom.
And sometimes that did feel good. But it didn’t feel whole.
Over time, I realized my happiness isn’t in the audacity of goals—it’s in the alignment of values. It’s in teaching something meaningful. Laughing with people I love. Hitting the flippers on a vintage pinball machine and hearing the satisfying ding of another high score. It’s in making others feel seen. It’s in slow moments. Unhurried meals. Telling the truth. Helping someone rediscover their light.
That’s my happiness. Not yours. Yours might look very different—and it should.
Beware of “Default Happiness”
If you don’t define what happiness means to you, the world will do it for you.
We live in a culture that sells happiness in bottles, boxes, and bank balances. It tells you success equals happiness. Or thinness. Or likes. Or approval.
That’s “default happiness.” The autopilot version that says, “Just do what everyone else is doing, and you’ll eventually feel good.”
But happiness doesn’t arrive on autopilot. It’s a choice, and it’s an inside job.
Your Definition Can—and Should—Evolve
Don’t feel locked into your answer. Your definition of happiness today doesn’t have to be the same five years from now. Life changes. You grow. You shift. You expand.
So let your happiness definition evolve, too.
Check in with yourself regularly:
Is this still making me happy?
Is this my path or someone else’s?
What needs to change?
That flexibility isn’t a flaw—it’s part of the practice.
Start With a Personal Happiness Statement
If you want to make this real, here’s a little exercise:
Write your own happiness statement. One sentence. Begin with:
Happiness for me is...
Make it simple, honest, and true. Like:
“Happiness for me is making something every day and spending slow mornings with my kids.”
“Happiness for me is learning something new and sharing it with others.”
“Happiness for me is being surrounded by community and feeling useful.”
Don’t overthink it. Let it come from the heart. Stick it on your mirror. Make it your screensaver. Read it often. Let it steer your decisions.
Why This Matters So Much
Until you define happiness for yourself, you will never know if you’re moving toward it—or away from it.
You’ll just be moving. Hustling. Achieving. Scrolling. Working. Wondering why it never feels like enough.
But when you get clear on your personal version of happiness, everything gets easier to align. Your schedule. Your career. Your relationships. Your rest. You can say yes to what fits and no to what doesn’t—without guilt, without apology.
And that is the real beginning of a happier life.
So, What’s Next?
Take five minutes today—just five—and ask yourself:
What does happiness mean to me?
Write it down. Revisit it. Make it your compass.
Because the first step to finding happiness isn’t chasing it harder.
It’s defining it clearly.
And from there, the rest of your happiness journey becomes a whole lot easier—and a whole lot more yours.